Bonnie's secret
by Therm33
Summary: "I never planned it. You don't ever plan that kind of stuff. It just happens. I saw him first. It's not like it even mattered. But I saw him first." Bonnie has a secret to reveal, and there's someone there to listen to her.


**_Hello everyone !This is my first fic ever ! Omg ! I just had a lot of Stefonnie angsty feels and wanted to put it on papers (or more like online) ! Tell me what you guys think of it ! Before reading it, I strongly_ advise you to watch I Still Love Him by Mary Bongivi on youtube. This is what inspired me to write this oneshot ( watch?v=XmXqDnntjrk). I also wanted to add that I'm french. English is not my first language and I still have a lot of difficulties expressing myself in it (I'm still working hard on it tho) so sorry for the outrageous number of grammatical mistakes (I'm correcting this story 10 times a week lol). Anyway, have a great read !_  
_**

***Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries. Its story and its original characters all belong to L.J. Smith and the writers of the show.**

**Bonnie's secret**

-Since when?

-Excuse me?

She smiled at me, and then made a comment about her shoes being expensive, ignoring my question.

I think she knows. I know for a fact that she knows.

Annoying bitch.

How come, among all the people who could have found it out, it had to be her? And she didn't need any clue. She just knew. Like that.

I'm still not sure if I wanted to laugh because I found it hilarious or I wanted to cry because I felt somehow relieved that somebody finally knew. I quickly wiped out the tears that were starting to come out and began explaining to her the linking spell.

* * *

I never planned it. You don't ever plan that kind of stuff. It just happens.

I saw him first. It's not like it even mattered. But I saw him first.

For the very first moment that he was in my sight, I knew that there was something fascinating about him. He was captivating, charming, mesmerizing. I felt like he had an old soul, that he was a combination of a man and something terrifying. It scared me and intrigued me at the same time.

But he didn't see me first.

He never saw me.

He only saw her.

He **still** only sees her.

When I was told what he really was, I thought: _That's it! He's a blood sucking monster, there's no way in hell I could like him_

But like I said, you don't ever plan that kind of stuff.

So it grew and grew, and got even more bigger. This thing. This... I guess... _crush_.

I pretended that I was afraid of him and that sensing him gave me weird scary vibes. It's true, touching him felt like death, but it also felt like electricity, gave me goose bumps and made me have butterflies in my stomach. I knew right away that it wouldn't end well.

So for the first weeks, I completely ignored him and gave her the cold shoulder each time I would see her in his presence.

When Elena told me that she loved him and that he loved her back, I smiled, and told her to be careful. I cried my eyes out the whole night.

When trouble started coming, everyone reached out to me. **He** reached out to me, asking for **my** help. I felt strong, I felt tough, and I felt worthy. I wanted him to see me this way.

Then, when Grams died, everything changed.I never fully became the same again. I felt lonely, abandoned and wanted to hate him **so much**. I wish I could have hated him the way I hated Damon. It would have make things easier.

They still asked for my help, and I couldn't say no. When he would tilt his head to the side, put his hands in his pockets, look at me straight in the eyes and smoothly says my name, I couldn't say no.

_Bonnie._

Please say my name again.

_Bonnie. _

Again.

_Bonnie. Bonnie. Bonnie._

Jeremy was there. He was sweet and nice and funny. And he liked me. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved the way he loved her. But Jeremy wasn't him, and I wasn't her.

So the only option left for me was to pretend that everything was okay.

I didn't look like a doll. I didn't have big gorgeous shiny brown eyes. My hair wasn't long and naturally silky like hers. I didn't catch people attention everywhere I go.

So there I was.

I was just Bonnie.

The resident witch with a slightly asymmetrical face.

I've always been Bonnie.

This girl.

Elena's friend.

The nice, the sweet, the quiet, the dull, the black friend.

So I kept it a secret, because nothing good could come out of it.

It ate me alive.

This, and all those deaths.

And all this loneliness.

And all this numbness.

The years passed by and I felt more tired, crushed, defeated, miserable and troubled. I wasn't myself, magic was the only thing left. I wished somebody could have realized that something was wrong, but they were too caught up in the constant battles, dramas, and love triangles.

Sometimes, after a day full of reading grimoires after grimoires, I would put AniDifranco in my radio. Then I would start drinking rum from the bottle and spinning myself around while singing this song that reminded me so much of him : **tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you. Too bad you had to have a better half. She's not really my type but I think you two are forever and I hate to say it but you're perfect together. So fuck you and your untouchable face and fuck you for existing in the first place. And who am I that I should be vying for your touch. And who am I, I bet you can't even tell me that much.**

I also wanted Elena to be happy. I wanted everyone to be. This was probably the problem.

I just thought that maybe, then maybe, I could return to be my old safe again.

But how could I? I loved him.

* * *

« Since the first day I met him. »

The sound of my own calm voice surprised me. She stopped walking, turned around, and looked at me. A few second passed by and I wished I could have known what was passing through her mind, her face being expressionless.

Then Katherine, **Katherine Pierce,** gave me a genuine sincere smile. Astonished, I didn't want to blink, afraid that I was having a hallucination.

« He does make women feel like that. It's part of his charm you know, the fact that he doesn't realize it.

- It does », I whispered.

She rotated and we silently started walking again, between the bushes.

* * *

I didn't regret confessing it. Strangely, I felt like today was my last day on earth. I had the weird feeling that I was going to die and it made me feel relieved. I would still try my best to do whatever I was supposed to do. At least, one person would know. I couldn't have told my mom or Grams. They were, on their own way, long gone before I had the possibility to.

_And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that he was the only one for me._ _He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it. When he walked in every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself. I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him. And in that way, I understood him and I loved him._

_I loved him. I loved him. I loved him._

_And I still love him._

_I love him._

But that's my secret.

* * *

******The end.**

**Sooooo :D :D ? If you didn't, I still encourage you to watch on youtube ****I Still Love Him by Mary Bongivi ****( watch?v=XmXqDnntjrk)**.

I strongly believe that Bonnie had developed a big crush on Stefan and kept this secret to herself, silently suffering because of, among other things, this unrequited love. It's headcanon and no one can tell me otherwise lol. I just LOVE LOVE LOVE Bonnie+ Stefan+ Angst. Since there's not a lot of Stefonnie fics in the first place, I thought I could add something lol. Reviews are always appreciated ! Bonne nuit !


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